


Ask Arthur

by unrealitycheck



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, written entirely as a series of letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrealitycheck/pseuds/unrealitycheck
Summary: Arthur is an advice columnist. Eames writes to him anonymously every week in an attempt to get closer to him.
Relationships: Arthur/Eames (Inception)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	Ask Arthur

Dear Arthur,

I've got something to confess. I'm a fellow with a bit of a dodgy past.

Nothing too serious. A few thefts here and there, some forgeries, and an incident involving a liter of rum and a misplaced poodle, but that's all been put behind me. I work a legitimate job now, putting in my grueling eight hours like any other bloke on the block.

But that doesn't change the fact that I've got a police record nearly as long as my trouser snake.

Would this bother you at all? Let's say hypothetically, you and I went out to dinner and you found out I'm not as squeaky-clean as my handsome face suggests.

Tell me honestly: would that be a dealbreaker?

— King of Hearts

*

Dear King of Hearts,

I'm not sure if you're seeking my advice or trying to hit on me.

Since we don't know each other, I can't imagine you getting very far either way, but I'll at least try my best to answer your question.

First of all, I don't believe your past defines you, as long as you're willing to rise above your mistakes. It sounds like you've changed your ways, so I'm going to congratulate you on that. But if you're trying to enter the dating scene, I can see where things might get tricky. Not everyone is going to have an open mind. In fact, you may never meet anyone who's willing to accept your past, but that's just something you need to rise above as well. If you're satisfied with how far you've come, then that's progress, no matter what anyone else might think.

Since you asked: would I willingly date an ex-con? Only if their personality made up for it. Some personalities are much more aggravating than a police record.

— Arthur

P.S. Your last letter couldn't be printed in the paper. You might want to reconsider using phrases such as "trouser snake."

*

Dear Arthur,

So if the ex-con had an abundance of charm, a sense of humor, and ravishing good looks, you'd consider a date?

Thanks for writing back, by the way. I enjoy your honesty. Some advice columnists are bloody useless, or in the case of Ask Saito, think that buying a million-dollar yacht is the answer to everything.

I asked for your advice in my last letter because I _am_ interested in dating. In fact, there's one bloke in particular I've had my eye on.

(Does it bother you that I fancy blokes? I haven't really got a preference. I never have. Boys, girls, they're all the same to me—and both are equally fun in the sack. A good shag is a good shag, no matter what plumbing you've got down there, if you ask me.)

The bloke I'm interested in is something special. I won't say much about his looks, in order to protect his privacy, but he's bloody gorgeous. You can take my word for it. He's also got a stick the size of the Eiffel Tower lodged firmly up his well-shaped arse. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he's so bloody stiff and severe, I'm afraid he'll never look twice at me. But I am, when all's said and done, a gambling man, so I'm willing to take a chance.

What do you say, Arthur? Do you think there's any hope?

— King of Hearts

*

Dear King of Hearts,

If you want someone to like you, then you shouldn't say he has a stick up his ass. Rule # 1.

It sounds like you're afraid you're chasing someone who's out of your league. Maybe that's true. But do the two of you have anything to talk about? Do you share any common interests? If you just like the shape of his rear end, then maybe it's a hopeless pursuit, but if you're serious about this man, then try to find some common ground with him. Some things to consider are:

1\. How well do you know this man? How often do you see each other? Do you have any mutual acquaintances that could help you get closer to him?

2\. Do you know his likes and dislikes? Favorite colors, foods, TV shows, etc.?

3\. What types of people has he dated in the past? Would he be willing to go outside his comfort zone and try something different?

— Arthur

P.S. Your last letter can't be printed in the paper either. I'm sure you know why.

P.P.S. I still get the sense you're trying to hit on me. Try a little harder next time. Also, it doesn't bother me that you "fancy blokes," as you put it. I'm not here to judge your sexual preferences. Just your life choices.

*

Dear Arthur,

I'm sorry. I didn't realize Americans knew what "shag" meant.

You've given me some good advice. The bloke I'm interested in (who I'll refer to as Mr. Fancypants, since it's much faster than calling him That-Bloke-With-the-Really-Nice-Arse) still doesn't know how I feel, but I'm working on getting to know him better. We work in the same building, but not the same department. There are plenty of mutual acquaintances between us, so I'll try to use that to my advantage.

In the meantime, I hope you don't mind if I practice on you a bit. How about a few getting-to-know-you questions as a warm-up?

Do you prefer coffee or tea? Favorite coffeeshop/teashop?

What are your hobbies besides answering letters from persistent strangers?

Dogs or cats?

Would you ever shag on the first date?

Please don't assume I'm incompetent when it comes to wooing someone. I'm actually a very accomplished charmer who's had dozens of successful conquests. When it comes to Mr. Fancypants, on the other hand, well... I don't want to bollocks it up, you see. Because I _don't_ just like the shape of his rear end (as nice as it is). And as much as I enjoy a gamble, I'm not keen on making any wrong moves in this case.

— King of Hearts

*

Dear King of Hearts,

Our correspondence grows more interesting by the week. I have to admit, I've been tempted to run your letters through the shredder without answering them, but against my better judgment I can't bring this to an end just yet. You certainly keep things from being dull, King of Hearts.

I'm flattered you think I'm worth practicing on. The answers to your questions are below:

 **Do you prefer coffee or tea? Favorite coffeeshop/teashop?  
** _Coffee, usually. I'm not opposed to green tea or chamomile when I need to relax. I don't have a favorite coffeeshop. Anywhere but Starbucks. Too sweet, too commercialized, and too full of itself._

 **What are your hobbies besides answering letters from persistent strangers?  
** _I like puzzles and strategy games on a rainy day. Art exhibits on the weekends. (M.C. Escher is a favorite of mine.) I also enjoy learning trivia about firearms, researching famous people in excruciating detail, and shopping for the perfect suit._

 **Dogs or cats?  
** _Most people assume I'm a cat person, but that's actually not the case. Cats are too sneaky and untrustworthy. They will claw you in the back and gloat over it afterwards. Dogs, on the other hand, are honest, hardworking, and loyal—which are traits that I greatly admire. I'd take a dog over a cat any day._

 **Would you ever shag on the first date?  
** _No._

I hope this Mr. Fancypants is worth all the efforts you're making. Now, since I've shared a little about myself, I think it's only fair that you answer the same questions. A relationship is a two-way street, after all. Don't expect Mr. Fancypants to open up without returning the favor.

— Arthur

*

Dear Arthur,

I'm glad I'm keeping you amused. It must get terribly dull, helping all those insufferable prats with their marriage woes, financial burdens, and hygiene troubles. I appreciate your taking the time to answer my questions. Mr. Fancypants _is_ worth the effort and I'm trying my very best not to make an arse of myself.

Here are the answers you asked for:

 **Do you prefer coffee or tea? Favorite coffeeshop/teashop?  
** _Tea, of course. Can't you tell by the way I talk? There's a lovely teashop down the block from the building where I work. I go there once or twice a week for some Earl Gray and blueberry scones._

 **What are your hobbies besides** ~~**answering letters from persistent strangers?**~~ **sending persistent letters to handsome blokes named Arthur?  
** _Gambling. All sorts—blackjack, poker, roulette, horse bets. It's gotten me into a spot of trouble a time or two, but that's all part of my murky, distant past now. When I'm not taking my chances at the card table, I like to go sight-seeing and people-watching. Man is the most fascinating animal, you know. You can learn a lot about a person just by sitting and observing._

 **Dogs or cats?  
** _Ah, you're right about the cat thing. I did assume you preferred them, but I wanted to ask anyway, in case you surprised me. Personally, I adore cats because they're such sneaky little buggers. There's a reason why the term "cat burglar" exists. But I'm not opposed to a nice dog here and there._

 **Would you ever shag on the first date?  
** _Your "No" is so firm and to-the-point. Are you really so sure, Arthur? For me, it depends on who the date is with. There are some people I just can't help wanting to shag right away. Does that make me despicable? Some people out there are simply very shag-worthy, because that's the way that nature made them, and surely you can't condemn me for appreciating nature._

There. In case you were wondering, by the way, I made slight progress with Mr. Fancypants. I bought him coffee this week. Can't tell if he appreciated it, though. He's so bloody serious—a real workaholic—and doesn't smile as much as he should. I'd like to make him crack a smile one of these days.

Have you ever been in my shoes, Arthur? Have you ever had such strong feelings for someone, you felt like they would rip you apart from the inside-out? (The feelings, that is. Not the person. Though Mr. Fancypants _does_ seem like he could turn deadly if you pushed him the wrong way.)

I'm only asking because I'm curious about the man who's given me so much advice. Do you speak from personal experience?

— King of Hearts

*

Dear King of Hearts,

I feel like you're trying to ask me for my dating history. Am I wrong? I'm not going to give you a run-down of every person I've ever dated, but I do have enough experience to support the advice I've given you. Currently I'm single. It's been a while since I've had a serious relationship and no, I've never had feelings strong enough to rip me apart.

But I do know a thing or two about the downsides of dating.

It comes from having a mother like mine. I love my mom, but she's one of those stereotypical mothers who thinks there's something wrong if you're not married before you're thirty. Every time I see her, it's "When are you going to settle down, Arthur?" and "How come you never bring any nice girls around?" and "Mrs. So-and-So has a daughter who would be _perfect_ for you." It all becomes a little tiring after a while. She means well, but I swear if my mom sets me up with another Rachel or Miriam or Sarah who's "perfect" for me, I might have to take drastic measures.

Romance cannot be forced. That's the most important lesson I've learned from my mom. I think it's one you should keep in mind, King of Hearts. You have to be patient and let it develop on its own. You definitely can't expect someone to fall in love with you after buying him one coffee.

— Arthur

P.S. That doesn't mean you should stop buying coffee altogether. It's a nice gesture. Maybe Mr. Fancypants just isn't very good at communicating his appreciation. After all, he does (in your words) have a stick up his ass.

*

Dear Arthur,

I'm sorry for all the stick-up-his-arse comments. I really am. Mr. Fancypants does not have a stick (or anything else sharp and pointy) lodged permanently in his arse. He is hardworking and devoted and puts all his effort into everything he does. He lacks imagination at times, but he makes up for it by being straightforward and honest and otherwise perfect in every single way.

You're right that romance can't be forced. I may never end up with Mr. Fancypants, but somebody will someday, and they're going to be the luckiest person on earth.

(I did buy him another coffee, though. Still not sure if he appreciates it. Mr. Fancypants would make a very fine poker player.)

I think your mum sounds delightful, by the way. Mine was always falling asleep in front of the telly with gin on her breath when I was growing up. Rather embarrassing when my mates were over, but it did make it easy for me to sneak around behind her back. She's sobered up a bit since then, ever since my dad finally left her for good, but she's not exactly the sort of person I'd want at my tea table. I don't think she's ever forgiven me for looking so much like my father.

She certainly doesn't expect _me_ to settle down anytime soon. It'd give her a good shock if I ever did.

Speaking of shocks, have you ever considered taking a bloke home to your mother? That would put a stop to all those Rachels and Sarahs she's been trying to fix you up with, wouldn't it?

— King of Hearts

*

Dear King of Hearts,

I'm sure Mr. Fancypants would be very flattered at the way you speak of him. Don't you think you've been putting him on a pedestal, though? Everyone has flaws. (And I'm not just talking about a lack of imagination. I mean _actual_ flaws.) Would you still have the same feelings for Mr. Fancypants if you discovered his imperfections?

I only say this because I hope you're not the type of person who can't take the bad along with the good. My mom is like that. She's currently on her third husband because of it.

She and my dad got divorced ages ago, when I was just a little kid, because they couldn't sort out their differences. Same thing happened with Husband #2. She's been with Husband #3 for almost six years now, which is currently the record. Probably because Husband #3 is perfectly happy to let her walk all over him (unlike my dad).

You know, King of Hearts, your idea of shocking my mom is actually not bad. She _would_ be shocked if I brought a man home to meet her. She's always had her heart set on grandchildren and a daughter-in-law and a nice traditional wedding.

(Between you and me, I've always dated girls in public. But there have also been a couple of guys. Nothing major. Nothing serious. But if I had to date a guy to get my mom off my back, I could do it.)

— Arthur

*

Dear Arthur,

It's hard to explain how I feel about Mr. Fancypants. Sometimes you meet someone's eyes, or hear a certain note in their voice, and you just know there's something worth pursuing. You know it as surely as you know your own name. Maybe it's just the gambler in me talking, but I'm willing to take a chance on Mr. Fancypants, no matter what his flaws might be.

One date is all I'm hoping for. Just one bloody date with the man. That's all.

Dinner or a movie or whatever he likes (I'd let him call all the shots) and if he decides he never wants to see me again, then that's fine. I will admit defeat and carry on. Keep a stiff upper lip and all that.

I may be persistent, but I _do_ know when to take no for an answer.

Though I hope very much that I'll get a yes.

— King of Hearts

*

Dear Mr. Eames,

Time to end this charade already. I know you're King of Hearts.

I suspected at the beginning (the British slang was a pretty obvious clue), but I wasn't sure until the fourth or fifth letter. It's actually been fun getting to know you this way. You've managed to surprise me several times, and not always in a bad way. I'm glad I didn't shred any of your letters.

But I don't think it's fair to keep this up any longer. I can only assume you started writing to me in a weird attempt to get closer to me without—in your words—"making an arse of yourself." Well, I've seen you flirting with the receptionists on a weekly basis, and if you'd ever tried that on me, you definitely wouldn't get very far. I guess I'm a sucker for words on a page, though.

How about it, Mr. Eames? If you meant everything you said, and you really like me as much as you say you do, I guess one date can't hurt.

There's a certain teashop I know you like. Let's meet there after work on Friday. If you're lucky, you might even get to meet my mother.

— Arthur (a.k.a. Mr. Fancypants)

P.S. I still don't shag on the first date. But maybe you can change my mind.


End file.
